Recently what has been coming up for me is the sense of feeling
insignificant, despite my attempts to take care of myself and put myself first.
I posted something the other day that said, “Today I am going to
be as useless as the ‘G’ in Lasagna”. That’s actually what prompted me to think
about this post and write about how I was feeling. I am certainly not feeling
useless. But can identify with that insignificant ‘G’
in lasagna. It’s like the ‘I’ in Gina.
Not really necessary but makes the word look a lot better. Or on the flip-side, there are the a$$holes
that will tease me and call me G (long I sound) na-knowing how much I hate it. Then
by all means that letter's gots- to- go.
Anywho....back to the G. Who the hell am I? Why am I feeling insignificant? I
mean I know I have the peeps that love me, care about me—who are my
PEOPLE. The ones that really want to see
me, spend time with me, and listen to what I have to say and not rush through
our time together.
Not sure. I try to make
plans and it’s like everyone is busy—too busy—sure, I’m busy too-but I always
give a plan B and follow through.
This feeling has come up at different times in my life –I am
pretty sure it’s coming up now because I am coming up on my birthday and per
usual, reevaluating the last ten years and gearing up for the next ten. Wanting
to hold on to the people around me because I feel like life is so short we
never know what the next day will bring.
So morbid I know, but true.
So, here’s a little story. The other night I was talking about
hearing that Ben and Jerry’s came out with a new flavor of ice cream. Urban
Bourbon. For this Whiskey Girl-say no
more! I need to find it and of course can’t find it anywhere! I was telling my
husband how I have been everywhere on a mission to find it and have had no luck. It was just a passing conversation, but an hour later, my eleven-year-old son, Josh, came inside from playing and
came up to me to tell me that he was Googling places to see where Urban Bourbon
was being sold.
This kid HEARD me. He was paying attention to me. I am NOT insignificant to him. It was important to him to try to help me
find it and I can’t even tell you how my heart could have burst in a million
pieces at that moment.
And in that moment,
it hit me…smacked me right in my gut. I needed to call myself out and realize that this feeling of
whatever the hell I was feeling is -
Bullshit.
I’m not insignificant. No one can make me insignificant – or
feel insignificant – except for me.
It’s true. It’s not anyone’s responsibility to make me feel more
important. It’s mine – and mine alone. I
mean a little love from you would be helpful—but it all stems from me and my
perception.
If I’m feeling invisible, it’s not because others aren’t seeing
me. It’s because I’m not seeing me. I am allowing others to make me feel the
way I am feeling versus letting them know that I miss them, want to see them,
spend time with them. Or I need to let
them go.
I am not going to become invisible to myself. I am certainly not
invisible to my son who was paying attention to the little details of my
conversation last night.
I become significant by seeing myself. All of me-the good, the
bad(ass), and the ugly – the joy and the pain, the laughter and tears. The real me.
When I see me, others see me.
When I see me, it doesn’t matter if others see me.
So, I will strive see myself as significant as the G in Gina.
(And I AM going to find that pint of Urban Bourbon)
Xo
Gina